unlovable

sometimes i wonder
what i would be like
if you had never come into my life
would i be in less pain?

or more?
a father who tried to leave me
but only left himself with scars
and left me with hatred for the world

years later, i'm still not sure what to feel
do i hate him, for trying the permanent solution?
or do i love him more, because he wimped out?
do i forgive him?

how it feels, to feel so unloved
because a parent would try to escape you
leave you forever
while you innocently sat downstairs playing video games

my dad called to me from upstairs
merely said to call an ambulance
i panicked and asked what was wrong
thru the bathroom door
he said just call 911, he was hurt
and don't come upstairs

a cop arrived along with the ambulance
he had a gun out, and i tried to explain
no no no, my daddy hadn't done anything wrong
he was hurt, don't shoot him

the cop talked to my mom on the phone and told her
when she asked
"no, she's ok"
he said while looking into my terrified eyes
world's most bitter lie

afterwards
when no one was looking
i checked out the bathroom

scattered drops of blood everywhere
inches of crimson water in the bathtub
floating razor blades with grinning smiles
that mock me to this day